My heart feels so full lately! Its a mix of peace, excitement, and the longing to extend my love out to others, to the world.
This transition has been a complete 180 from just a mere two months ago. Where anxiety hung close by followed hand in hand with a numb aspiration to life.
What began as a simple foundation of pure body based Yoga knowledge has tranceded into a multifaceted system of yogic disciplines, mental awareness, a pure diet free from animal products and world harm, daily workouts accompanied by elated endorphins and a clearer focus on my inner spirit and God.
I am starting to feel my authentic self come back to life again...The union to God experienced at age 11, when I felt His presence wash over me as I sat in the middle of an Alaskan forest of pine. When a warm beam of light broke through the branches to kiss my face and I accepted Jesus as my Lord and savior for the first time. My flame rekindling with the aspiration of love similar to that which I had at age 19, when I decided to help others by joining the nursing field. I can feel the 22 year old in me again, who had the fearlessness to set out half way across the world and explore 12 countries with a group of complete strangers. I can feel myself starting to live again.
While I don’t always feel this abounding in spirit, the lows don’t last quite as long as they used to. Now I am becoming less afraid by using the knowledge and techniques gained during this lifestyle to acknowledge anxiety’s presence while it takes its turn and just allowing it to be. Accepting that all things are temporary, and even that moment of anxiety or sadness, it too shall pass.
Oh and speak of the highs, they are in turn, much more rich (if you can’t sense that in the article, I am feeling quite good and at peace today!).
I am not the same person I was two months ago, or the same young girl who sat under those animate green pine trees many years ago.
I have loved and I have lost. I have seen moments as dark as an abyss and I have seen moments so bright they brought me to tears. I have seen birth and I have seen death. I have formed invaluable friendships and I have broke friendships.
Yet here I am awakened once more, evidence that everything, every feeling, every moment, every relationship, every person...changes.
Continual waves that soar and crash, tides that recede and fill up, water which heats and cools, we change as the ocean changes, never ending, always changing.
We often forget there will be a change in others, as well as a change in ourselves. Remembering this change occurs gives us strength, as even the most negative thoughts, feelings, actions, moments, will ultimately transform into something positive, brighter, clearer.
There is a reason for our current or past suffering. A reason for our happiness. A reason for everything which happens to us. Wether our personal strife through suffering impacts others by showing them strength. Or our joyous moments bring prosperity to ourselves and those around us. We have a chance to receive lessons from every moment, a chance to rise and fall again. A chance to learn from this inevitable change in life and grow. To impact ourselves and others until one day, we transcend this earth, leaving behind everything but the spirit which we've transformed and molded during our brief time here, amid our interaction with the world and everything in it.
Its not easy to stare into ourselves and face the darkness, but oftentimes that's what it takes to promote change.
Tomorrow our yoga group will be meditating for 8 hours straight. The longest I have done was an hour, and even then I was only cracking the surface (at one point I had no thought, and I felt myself almost answering myself by acknowledging there was no thought present…it was very strange indeed).
It is said that meditation will begin the process of bringing our fears to the surface (scary thought I know). It has even been physically present as some report they become flushed in the face and nauseous. Thankfully, my teacher comforted me by saying just as they sensations arise, once they pass (which they always pass, as we've covered that everything changes >.<) the feeling of lightness and freedom fills the spaces in which the negative energies and emotions left.
All I can say is wish me luck tomorrow please!
I’d like to add…I PASSED MY FIRST TEACH BACK ON THURSDAY! I taught a full hour of Ashtanga yoga to my fellow students and my two teachers. Whoah! It was quite the experience, nerve racking and fulfilling at the same time! I have things to work on, like projecting my voice but I also had praise like my techniques of body alignment and awareness. But I actually did it, I memorized the 25+ sequence short form flow and correctly taught it in order. I guess that technically makes me a yoga teacher, although I don’t feel like a real teacher yet, but for now, yay!! :D
So what does this mean? This is the first of 3 teach backs I will partake in. All 3 which you must pass if you wish to work for lifetime and teach. The 2nd and 3rd will be other styles of yoga, vinyasa flow and Yin yoga.
Now I can move my mind awareness into flow…ahhh, lovely flow <3
For now, I am going to flow off to bed for the night, for in the morning it is meditation time. And I would really rather not battle the want to sleep for 8 hours straight haha. But before I leave, here is an unflattering picture of me and my sweaty mess of a body and mat. Often I post pictures of myself looking all clean and energetic, but what you don't see is the sweat and tears of countless hours put in to promote change. So here's a sweaty picture after an intense hour of vinyasa flow (as you can see my by body outline on my mat lol).
Much love everyone!